Lately, this winter break has been full of goodbyes and days with lots to do and days with nothing at all planned. I found myself strapped in this state of consciousness that makes me not want to do anything.
**THIS blog is not a happy post***
I have battled with this before, but knowing that I am doing it here in another country where I wanted to be happy and busy all the time is more upsetting. I always have Korean class and sometimes I don't want to get up and participate. I have to fight my mind every day to get ready and sit in class, which is a basic task. I decided to stay on a really low budget this break so remaining in the dorm is the easiest way to avoid spending temptation. I think I put myself into a box and was not prepared for it. Seeing my best friends leave and knowing that I have a lot more time available but fewer friends to spend it with has been the hardest part so far. I know staying over the winter break was the best choice for me personally because of the covid situation but it is much harder than I anticipated.
As I am aware of my mental health not being the best this month I have begun trying to do simple things. Going to a café to read, calling friends, getting dinner outside with friends or alone. I have been planning many things like my future trips and writing my essay for the peace corps! These things make me excited for the future to come up faster than I can even imagine. Keeping myself busy is the only thing I know how to do in this situation.
I don't want this post to be wholly negative but I think I need to purge some emotions. I have been so frustrated with myself and my well-being. My own mood has led to me not feeling completely healthy and weaker than usual. I have to battle myself to hand out with friends, I have to battle myself to go to a restaurant and I have to battle myself to take care of my basic needs. I keep thinking, why to bother, I can do these things later, I can have fun later and I can feel better later. I am scared I will be trapped in this mindset if I keep allowing myself to feel this way. I do not want to worry anyone that cares about me, in the grand scheme of things I will be okay. I trust myself and I hope that you all can trust in me too. I will bounce back from the melancholy winter and resume my state of excitement. It was my error to hope that a new setting and greener grass would make me instantly a happier human. I do have many more happy times here, but moments are not permanent.
Today I went on a walk and attempted some plans for the day, I also met a lot of friends this weekend. Sadly all I accomplished is spending too much money and feeling sick. I did make progress and went outside and got ready for the day. Finding meaning in the day is my new goal for this week and month.
We can do this! New start let's go!